What 2018 has taught me

The funny thing about writing a reflection of 2018, is that I have been doing the exact same thing for the last few years but they always ended up as drafts in my account. 2018 holds a special place in my heart because exactly 10 years ago, the biggest change in my life (at least back then) happened. My whole family moved to the Philippines. If my life was a book, that would be the turning point for the protagonist because it placed her in a completely foreign environment. It was sink or swim; she got out as a manta ray : ) So no matter what, I am determined to really get this post out before the last day of 2018. Here it goes:

As I’m calibrating my ukulele, I realized just how off tune it is because it has “travelled” with me a few times and I haven’t played it in months. This got me thinking, perhaps I am like that ukulele too. As I travel from here to there, twice a month, perhaps I am off tune and off balanced as well and all I really need is recalibration to sound right, to sound like me again. I think a year end reflection serves this purpose perfectly.

Be your authentic self. Because no one can be better at being you, than yourself. In a world of cookie cutters, don’t ever stop being genuine.
What you want may not come in the form you’ve expected. But whatever life sends your way, trust that it is for the better.
Worry less. Worrying doesn’t stop things from happening so to worry is to suffer twice! If something is bound to happen, it will regardless of whether you worried or not!
Everything that happens in life is what you make of it. Good or bad days, you can always get out better.
Thrive on challenges. Failures merely show areas of growth! Conquer one mountain at a time and never stop climbing. (Disclaimer: er nope I don’t actually hike)
Do not let one failure define you. It is after all just a blip in your fruitful life.
Keep your family and friends close. Nothing else matters more than that.

Wishing everyone who finished reading this a wonderful 2019, where you brace every day with gratitude in your heart, courage in your pocket, a sparkle in your hand and a smile on your face.

Reality is the story we tell ourselves

Not long ago, someone said to me “reality is merely the story we tell ourselves.” I’ve never given much thoughts to it back then, but after visiting the SF MOMA last week, Magritte’s exhibition jolted my memory and I want to talk about reality.

If I have a holiday to spare and the weather is perfect, I wouldn’t hesitate to head to the beach by myself with a book in my hand and enjoy a quiet afternoon under the sun; when I discuss this act with a friend, she finds the idea depressing. This is the story she tells herself. The story I told myself is that I can be spontaneous, come and go as I please; to me, it is freedom. In other words, everything is down to how you interpret what happens in your life. You can choose to tell yourself the story whereby you’re the victim; or you can tell the story as a survivor. It sounds easier said than done you think, but the change of mindset can happen fast too if you only let yourself believe.

For instance, in these paintings by Magritte, has the apple/ rose expanded to the size of the room? Or has the apple/ rose been placed in a miniature room?

Both stories explains exactly what’s in front of our eyes, but which story would you rather tell yourself? The surrealist approach of the painter, that the apple is in fact as big as the room, because of the values it represent (of life, of vitality) or the realist approach so that everything “makes sense”?

Is this sunset, or sunrise? Is this a shattered painting? Or merely lights reflected on broken glass?

Magritte is such a genius the way he triggers so many questions and room for imagination in his work. There is no right or wrong in interpreting reality, but I beg that you always pick the one that makes you the happiest. Because life is unpredictable and short, and I do not want you to waste even just one minute, on things that goes against your values.

This is just like any skill / muscle that can be improved through practice. For instance, I like to do random thought experiments when I am idle, usually on a train, a car or a plane, looking out of the window. How would I interpret a certain act if I were a certain person? Where would I be if I hadn’t make certain moves/ choices in life? What would become of me if I stuck with my childhood aspiration to be a teacher? What would my life be if I ended up with certain people for the rest of my life?

I think this helps train your brain to be malleable and open to opportunities that life presents to you; it also reduces our tendency to be fixated on certain paths/ goals that may be imposed on us by society norms or peer pressure or cultural expectations. The door is both locked yet perpetually open.

I don’t know if it applies to everyone; but there has to be a point in life where everyone seems to be doing one thing, taking science electives, going abroad to study, getting an internship, aspiring to become an ibanker etc. I was too young and immature back then to stop and think about if that’s really for me. I’ve found myself to be like a fish in the dessert at times; but I’m happy to say that I’ve finally found my way back into the water. It is refreshing and so effortlessly good to be with like-minded people and an environment that makes everyday as easy as breathing. So no, I am committed to reminding myself not to fall into that trap again, to be blinded into believing that what everyone want/ think is desirable, is what I want. I will continue on my own path, and stick to my beliefs, no matter how absurd it may look to others.

It’s probably not directly related as my words are as scattered as my thoughts but I’d like to end on a poem that I’ve read recently. It encapsulated the idea of switching gears and looking at things via new, hopeful lens. Yes, I’m sure there are people out there who’d disagree with me, but heck, I’ll always have faith that life is good, and believe that people are inherently nice; I’ll always be a romantic in life.

“What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight

Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor

in the grass of glory in the flower

We will grieve not rather find

Strength in what remains behind” – William Wordsworth

Random reflection (because, who cares whether it’s monthly/ quarterly or yearly?)

Today wordpress told me I have reached 200 likes in a new secret blog I’ve recently started (ping me if you want to know about it, I may or may not share with you 🙂 and so I went back to see the stats of this legacy one.

When I started in 2013, I dedicated most time and effort into almost 60 posts meaning I wrote more than once a week! I had 1600 visitors generating almost 4500 views…Over the next 4 years, I wrote barely once a quarter so the total views were only around 2500. My point though wasn’t the numbers at all…but the fact that real people do drop by from time to time to consume content I put out there. Recently several things has got me thinking about the whole idea of being responsible for your content, platform.

To the furthest extent, how do you make sure the content you put out there is correct (not fake news) factually and even politically and culturally? How do you present an idea when right or wrong is not always 100% clear and agreed upon? With a personal blog, of course I can be biased and put up whatever bullshit I come up with, but with a platform with massive influence… indeed with greater power comes greater responsibility.

This brings me to two incidents that I’ve only just recently connected. The first happened in 2013, mid way through my Europe exchange, I received a comment, then message from a girl of Islamic cultures (in her profile picture she had a hijab on). She was probably in high school at the time; somehow because I am this petite Asian girl barely reaching 1.6m, she was inspired by the way I tromped the continent with just a backpack sleeping in airports, catching midnight buses and planes with no internet while keeping myself in one piece. She told me that I made her believe in herself, that she too can explore the world when she have the chance. It was never my intention to do anything remotely close to inspiring people with my little space here. It started when I wanted to share the most authentic feelings and excitement I have being in Europe for the first time, without repeating myself over and over again to my mom, my aunt, my cousin, my friends etc. So my first takeaway is whether intentional or not, you are responsible for the people you’ve touched or inspired. It is a special bonding like no other, even more precious because it means we are bypassing the limitation of physical contact, not letting that hinders our ability to connect with others through merely a thought, an idea, big or small.

The second incident happened during my second exchange, also 2013 (what a year right!). I submitted my poem to the school literary magazine for the first time in my life and a few weeks later, received a facebook message from Nicole-

“Hi this might be really creepy but if you’re the X X who goes to X and has submitted to this X literary magazine, I just wanted to say that i love your poem “Always here” and it reminds me of my mom who passed away this past halloween. I’m really glad I came across it and I wanted you to know how much I enjoyed it. Hopefully this is the right X lol. Sorry ignore this if it isn’t !”

First of all, I had no idea they actually published my poem. Secondly, that people ACTUALLY read it, and third! One out of the few people who read it, cared enough to write to me. Perhaps in a world where meaningful connection is so hard to come by, even a distant but significant one is worth the effort of acknowledging. Afterall, isn’t life just the sum of all genuine bonds we make with one another, however substantial or fleeting it is?

It may not be entirely relevant, but I want to end the post with a personal inspiration moment. I was in an internal training where the founder of a US Game company shared about his friend, who was, at the time, an app developer who writes code for their games. He is passionate in writing, but never seemed to get enough interests from publishers. Instead of just giving up and tossing it under his bed, he has decided to release chapter by chapter online, circling the contents amongst his friends so they can give him feedback. The most common one he got was how much they enjoy when the protagonist solve problems in a scientific manner. So he gave his protagonist more and more obstacles to solve. As he improves his storyline, he gained more and more readers until eventually, he drawn the attention of book publishers. You’ve probably heard of this poor protagonist, Mark Whatney, who was also played by Matt Damon.. in the movie adaptation of (one of) my all time favorite book, the Martian written by Andy Weir. The book that made me miss my train stop twice because I was captivated by the plot. I found strength in Mark when he relentlessly pick himself up failure after failure, with one clear goal in mind: to solve whatever problem that came in his way. If it were me personally, I’d probably gave up living on Mars by myself by the first month. But no, it was persistence and the belief that there are more solutions than problems that got him through. Because no matter how tiny are the steps you made, as long as it is in the right direction, you will eventually get there. Mark’s story reminded me of this quote I read off a chalkboard sometime ago “It is always too early to quit.”

So please stay tuned, my plan is to publish a book in 20 years’ time 🙂

A little downtime for the brain

There is a strange kind of happiness watching your resume grow to the point where you need to take things out. Once upon a time, not very long ago, I was struggling to fill in this one sheeter son of a b-. Perhaps the joy comes from seeing your experience accumulate arithmetically. 1 year and 8 months already in my “new job”! Felt like just yesterday I got the long overdue phone call from HR and just this morning that I was struggling with jargons like apk/sdk. Believe me, to date, I still picture a warm aromatic chunky chocolate chip cookie whenever I hear people mention the word “cookies” (in internet world). There is so much joy in acquainting yourself with new skills, eventually getting it and becoming good at it. I guess it is inherent in human beings to feel good about growth, to crave new concepts and challenge oneself with the unknown; otherwise civilisation and even evolution wouldn’t have happened.

But it is not just this innate curiosity that guided me along the way. It is the people whom I have crossed paths with: the childhood friends that became soul sisters, the strangers that became reliable friends and the close companions that became nobody. But like what I’ve reflected after watching La La Land; every person happens to you for a reason. Their staying in and fading away from your life is for a purpose. Sitting on the rooftop at night, random conversations about our deepest fear and biggest hope. Trapped in a car under the pouring rain, small talks around our family and childhood. Strolling down the pier, winding speeches about the frustration towards life and the fascination of endless possibilities… These moments may have passed but it is everlasting in my heart.

I’ve read somewhere that our brains’s naturally exhibited emotions only last for 90 seconds so what you feel after that is purely your choice. Whether you choose to dwell on the negatives; or get on. I’ve also heard some wise advice that “no one is responsible for your happiness but yourself.” One of my recent favourite quote from a book is that “inaction breeds fear and doubt. Action breeds confidence and courage.” I love this new sense of confidence and certainty that comes with age and the wisdom you gather from life. All the epic, the good, the bad and the misery accumulated through time; condensed and distilled drop by drop into precisely who I am today. Fresh out of college, there was nothing I wanted more than going back to High School. Now, I wouldn’t trade the years I’ve had with anything in the world for I am right where I’m supposed to be now. (that sounded a bit like a pop song) In retrospect, I realised you sort of discover things in life one step at a time even when you’re not necessarily looking.

My 17 year old self would have wanted to be who I am today 🙂 I’d like to end with a famous quote by Primo Levi from Into the Wild: “How important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong.” I get my strength from words so I’ll continue to write; because I know- at least you are reading it.

p.s. regretful but not apologetic for the scattered thoughts

Random thoughts on a 14 hours flight

I have always liked turbulence on planes (writing this on the flight to SF may be jinxing it since the entire plane is shaking even harder now). It’s like you always get it when you fly over Japan. It has just the right dose of danger within comfortable range that in those few seconds, you suddenly realize that your life is only hanging by a thread. There is no guarantee that you’ll live through the next millisecond.

Despite knowing all the statistics about how unlikely the odds are, there is still that tiny sense of uncertainty, a hint of doubt no matter how many times I fly. Just WHAT IF my plane is the one that crashes? (at least I’d have higher chances of surviving since I’m poor I get to “avoid” the most dangerous front rows of the plane) What if this is the plane where co-pilots have high power distance? (No worries, even Korean Air has fixed this for a while now, I took it just 6 months ago) What if this is the unfortunate flight where someone absentmindedly brought along a Samsung Note 7? Or the one where mechanical teams made just a bit too many little mistakes that adds up fatal? If you are reading this now, by all means, I survived J and it wouldn’t even be surprising because you know and expect flights to land safely. Yes, we all take that for granted. A gigantic machine with WINGS that carry hundreds of people, fly over tens of thousands of kilometers over the ocean, the snowy mountains and the continental plates at 40 thousands feet altitude somehow made it to the destination! HELLO? How amazingly wonderful is that? Instead of complaining about the cold bread, the lack of wifi or bad taste in flight entertainment; shall we just be grateful that we reached our destination SAFELY? This not so simple act is almost a miracle in itself! And just because something incredible happens often doesn’t make it any less magical. Don’t wait until your plane flips over and land on the Hudson River to realize that.

So perhaps just this thought of how fragile life is, just how easy we could vanish from this world, makes me treasure every single touch down and appreciates my presence in the world (however light weighted) to a greater extent. As I picture my not so perfectly shaped heart pumping just the right amount of blood that circulates my entire body with every pulse; I feel that much more alive.

Written on the 5^th flight in 2017.

Miss Tofu

My journey in life

Tag: Thoughts