Today it dawned on me, the reason behind the underlying sense of unease and anxiety I felt throughout last year (where I found mild consolation from investment and repeatedly calculating my financials.) I am well aware that I am very blessed to be in Taiwan when covid came and came at us like tidal waves (or in some countries, tsunamis), I am so grateful that all my loved ones are safe, healthy, and has job security. (even those who were so close to catching coronavirus had been cleared, thank god). Yet, despite knowing all these facts, I constantly feel the presence of a smothering fog around me, invisible bricks on my shoulder which made even the supposedly effortless breathing, a thing I might forget to do if I weren’t focusing on it consciously. Trips cancelled, plans changed, people came and left. 2020 took something away from me, like it did from everyone else. I just couldn’t describe what it is.
It wasn’t until today, during a brief meditation before my yoga class that the answer appeared before my eyes, in blinking pink neon lights. (I know I’m supposed to let the thought pass, but I’m just a beginner in meditation so bear with me) The thing that 2020 took away from me was a part of my identity. A big chunk of who I am as I know it. gone.
Ok, it was unfair to blame it all on 2020. After all, it is just another year on earth, but it is always easier to blame it on someone, or something. 2019 was a prelude to all that’s awaiting around the corner. The first and most important identity I lost was a HongKonger. Hong Kong, the city I spent 15+4 years in, the place I keep going back to, the tiny dot on the globe I called home. Like most people, where I grew up has always been influential on shaping my values and perspectives. In 2019, we fought and failed, we got up and fought again, be water ! giving up was not an option. We even had small victories. But in 2020, Hong Kong, as I know it, is being grated away irreversibly like a piece of Parmigiano-Reggiano. It breaks my heart to know that the last time I could set foot in my home, everything will be different. I cannot even bring any personal belongings with a sticker on it that reads “Stand with HK”.
Then, I lost my identity as a traveller. My Mom once said that I have wheels under my feet, that I just have to go OUT all the time, and especially when I feel stuck. The change of scene, it was the only thing that meant everything. I am always planning a trip, at my destination, or on the way there. (read the Art of Travel which explained the fascination of traveling) It was my biggest craving and deepest addiction. (I admit from time to time, I crave for bubble tea too) It is full of surprises, good and bad, it takes courage and an open mind to fully enjoy what a journey has to offer. Being able to travel is to be free, free from the daily chores and noises, free to disappear into the streets where no one speaks your language, free to spend however long at wherever place. It was like 2020 took away my roller blades.
Combining the two above I have also lost my identity of being the best granddaughter possible, the best niece/cousin and someone’s dear friend. Because no matter how advanced technology has become, all I want is to bring my grandparents to yum cha and explain to them the cool things I’ve achieved at work, showing them photos of where I’ve been and telling them the stories behind it. All I want is to share a couch and watch tv with my aunt and complain about boys. I miss having my closest friends just one flight away and our friendship pick up right away where we left off.
Not to mention, one of the best part about my job is the opportunity to travel the world on a monthly basis, meeting my fun and friendly teammates, spending time with them at fancy hipster places, enjoying airline elite status privileges while staying at nice hotels having high level complains, being a completely spoiled brat. (disclaimer: only I complained about the lack of robes) Only to return home, almost forgetting the floor I live on.
But none of the ranting is going to change the situation. The first step of getting out of a ditch, is to recognize just how deep it is. The flip side of “lost identities” is “identities gained”. Here’s the silver lining, I gained some very important identities in 2020.
The best thing that happened to me were Primo and Luka. Yes, I found myself two noble (ginger, furry) Kings to serve. Instead of looking up the next best deal for flights and hotels and planning itineraries. I am constantly searching for and cross referencing the best cat food (and litter, and litter box, and toys and water fountain and vet etc.) there is out there. The mundane chores of everyday life suddenly sparked joy, watching my cats eat, scooping their defecations while marveling at how perfect they (their defecations, not the cats) look, praising them for merely drinking water and allowing me to brush their teeth, going to bed side by side, one by one, kissing them goodnight.
I became a studious French learner. It is probably the only thing I have not given up half way (yet). There is something very therapeutic about acquiring the pronunciations and tones of a foreign language, paying attention to details that don’t even matter in real life (grammar, gender of each noun, accident is masculine because men are always more careless jk, I’m not sexist) noticing progress when things clicked and made sense and accepting that the more you learn, the more there is to learn.
I am practicing yoga a lot more regularly now, focusing on each breath instead of shaking in each form, acknowledging and accepting my limits, noticing how the little things actually makes huge differences and getting that much closer to finding inner peace. Gaining strength along the way and ways to cope with difficulties in life. I realized that I don’t always have to run away, I could also stare my fear and insecurities right in their eyes and stay. Hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right : )
So to all my dearest, I urge that you embrace and balance all your identities under the current circumstances, identities new and old; for you are far more than just one façade, which may seem the case on a flat screen. They may be able to take away a part of it, but they could never take them all. Even though we cannot meet in person for now, know that you remain in a safe and secure place in my heart. (Heart from Primo)
p.s. you may also notice one identity I’m trying to regain, a writer : )
Miss Tofu 